WHEN CHANGE ISN'T HAPPENING

Self-help literature is out there and can provide quick and easy interventions. These books can also be very inspiring and help you recognize that you are not alone.

The current wisdom surrounding self-care:

1. Trauma is stored in the body

2. Self-love is crucial

3. Flexibility to change is also crucial

4. Stop Overthinking

5. Master Emotions

Despite having all this information at their disposal, clients often express to me that change feels unattainable. When change isn't happening it can be frustrating. I frequently encounter the question, "If I understand this, why isn't change occurring?" Why have clients been unable to address their issues independently?

The short answer is resistance. Maybe, resistance is towards having a close relationship towards the therapist and as a result being unable to accept the interventions your therapist is suggesting. Therapy is more than techniques; it is a relationship. Many of us have difficulties in relationships and the therapeutic relationship is not an exception. Some of us withdraw and detach from the opportunity for closeness. Being resistant to closeness with our therapist, however, can make the process doomed to fail. Then nothing changes.

In addition, there is good old-fashioned fear. Fear of the feelings that are thought of as negative like: resentment, anger, shame, jealousy, dislike and/or annoyance. Even the fear of the positive feelings like: tenderness, admiration, love, and/or joy.

When I begin my work with a client who has struggled to create lasting change, I start by first finding out what caused the problem. Next I work on helping them find out what maintains the problem. Together, client and therapist find out a good solution to this problem.

What is the pain that you are feeling inside? What kinds of things are you doing to get away from that pain? Is there a healthier approach than continuously avoiding the pain?

Initially your defenses (like resistance) are there because they are trying to protect you from suffering. However, defenses create problems and even your symptoms. If you can see how your defenses create your problems, you will want to turn against them and hopefully face your feelings instead. Defenses are NOT helping you get what you want, stop them and get behind the task of ACTUALLY getting what you want.